For most comics their first credentials will be getting the chance to open for someone famous.  It sounds like a big deal.  I can namedrop with the best of them.  Joe Rogan, Jeff Dunham, 2 of the 4 Blue Collar guys, 2 of the leads on Full House, etc.  You know who these impress?  The high school kids I teach.  You know who they don’t impress?  Club managers and bookers.  They know anyone can MC for anyone.  I’m not saying that club managers are just giving those weeks to anyone, but it certainly isn’t the honor that it sounds like.  Bob Saget wasn’t sitting around in his office in L.A. making calls in 2003, “Who’s going to MC for me at the Cleveland Improv next month?  Never heard of him…next.  Never heard of him…nope…who else?  Durham?  Rob Durham?!  Yes, that’s the guy I want!  This handpicking selection process is grueling!”

Sure, you have to be good enough for a club manager to trust you to host shows that will bring new customers to his or her club, but it’s not something that will impress other bookers.  By “opening” for someone it doesn’t distinguish between featuring and MCing either.  Most of those bigger names were just MC weeks early in my career.  I was fortunate enough to work often at an A room for my home club.

So what credentials are club managers really looking for?  The list of clubs on your schedule.  If you can pack a schedule with great rooms that are known around the country (not Corky’s Saloon and Grill), bookers will reward that much more than who you’ve opened for.  A lot of us don’t have that schedule and it would be absurd for this week’s advice to be:  Get a full schedule at all the great rooms!  Duh!  So what do we do about credentials in the meantime?  Go ahead, namedrop for the youngsters and the drunk girls at the party, but let your act prove how good you are.  In other words, don’t go around thinking you’re better than your are (someone should’ve told 23 year old Rob this) just because you’ve worked with bigger names.  As comics, it’s not hard for us to find reasons to dislike each other.  It’s okay to share stories about famous guys with your friends, but don’t overplay it.

Rob, didn’t you post a picture of yourself with Rob Schneider and his compliments this summer?  Yes I did.  That was more to break up the monotony of pet pictures and ecards, not a credential.  It was a really cool night that I was proud of, but I would never use that trying to get booked anywhere.  We can all pretend to our fans and family that the famous person has a say about who opens for them, but the real truth is that most of the time they don’t.  Almost everyone, including myself, loves working with famous comics because of the crowds, and it’s always fun to get to talk to a celebrity, but let it be humbling, not an ego booster.

*Thank you to a comic buddy for asking about this topic.  If anyone else has any questions please feel free to email me about them.

For other tips on how to make sure your entire comedy community doesn’t hate you, order Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage (now available on Amazon Kindle at a discounted price!)

This might be another yes and no answer.  When you’re a working comic, you have to do shows instead of the normal things a person would do.  Be prepared to miss important moments like weddings, birthdays, holidays and other events that you would normally make a Facebook album of pictures for.  Ask the comedians who tour full-time how many New Year’s Eves or Valentine’s Days they’ve spent with a significant other over the years.  Actually, a lot of them don’t have a significant other because of comedy.  So in that aspect, yes, comedy should come first.

When should it not come first?  A lot of comics start in their early to mid-twenties with nothing else going on in their life.  No spouse, no kids, no career, so comedy seems like the natural fit.  It doesn’t even have all that messy paperwork.  I talked with an old comic buddy of mine, Bob Cook, who could relate to how we all felt back then.  We discussed how a lot of us were not socially successful in high school and felt the need for that validation.  With a little success on stage we easily fell in love with the idea of being a popular comedian.  Bob summed it up really well by saying, “A lot of people jump in and prioritize comedy above logic.”  With that first taste of validation it’s easy to go crazy and even get cocky from a little social success.  What people overlook is that you need to have the rest of your life in order if you’re going to make something of yourself in this business.  Once Bob finally got a few paying gigs he ended up having problems getting to them because he didn’t have a reliable car.  Reliable cars usually take a full-time job to afford, so those who want comedy to be their full-time job are stuck working elsewhere in the meantime.  Slow down.  Make sure you’re financially and emotionally stable enough to start road work.  Bob even told me the old line around Columbus, “Don’t answer a call from an unknown number, it’s probably just Bob needing a ride.”  He said it was not the best reputation to have.

During this mean time of getting yourself a solid 25 minutes, make sure you’re working on getting the rest of your life towards the same consistent stability.  If you have a weakness as a person, the road will find it and make it your downfall.  Look what it’s done to even some of the most successful comics in history.  Learn things like responsibility, social skills (personal and business), budgeting, and saying no before you start touring.  One of the biggest criticisms of today’s younger generation is how they struggle to communicate.  It’s amazing how many people I encounter are still unaware of basic courtesies (to be fair, a lot of them are the freshmen I teach English to, but they’ll be adults in a few years).

For more tips on surviving the road (and getting there in the first place) read Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage.

It should only matter to you.  As of last Tuesday I’m now at 13 years.  What’s gotten me through?  My other careers.  There was the bank, substitute teaching and now full-time teaching as well as a marriage.  Without the two things that are more important to me than working the road (my wife and my teaching), I don’t know what I would write most of my material about.  So yeah, thirteen years blah blah blah.

Anyway, I wanted to point out that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been performing.  There’s no way to gauge how far along you should be because of all of the variables.  Yes at 13 years I should be headlining, but instead of making headlining money I earn it from a different outlet so that doesn’t matter (as much) to me.  It took me six years to become comfortable featuring and another three to become strong at thirty minutes.  I’m a bit of a late bloomer.

This week’s advice is this…Don’t feel bad or good about where you are and how long/short it took you to get there.  In Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage I tell a story about a headliner who tries to subtly brag about how few years he had been performing by casually slipping it into the conversation.  It made him sound bad and I haven’t heard anything about him since.

On the other side, comics who try to brag about how long they’ve been at it can sound just as pathetic because half the time they’re doing it at an open mic show with no sign of any professional shows on the horizon.  What little respect you might hope to gain by telling everyone how long you’ve been performing will probably be lost in the judgement of the others listening.

The first time it happened I wasn’t even thirty yet.  I was working Sabo’s “Grumpy Dave’s” room in Bowling Green, Ohio when I had a room full of college kids.  This will be cake I thought.  The first time I ever did a feature set was a year or two before that at the Hokie House of Virginia Tech and it went well, so why shouldn’t this?  College kids are in their 20s, I’m in my twenties–what could go wrong?  A few missed 80s references later I realized that college wasn’t as recent as I thought.  I was getting old. 

I’m now 35 and there have been a few instances since then–college gigs, open mic nights, and bar shows with a much younger demographic.  Perhaps the pinnacle of that was last Thursday at Deja Vu on college I.D. night.  I probably had the worst set I’ve ever had on that stage in the eight or nine weeks I’ve worked there.  The doormen and MC had warned me that Thursdays were getting tougher/chattier/younger.  I stared into the back center of the room and saw at least a half-dozen faces glowing from cellphones right before the show started.  Opening with two quick jokes about marriage didn’t make things any better.  The weirdest part was how offended these kids got (they moaned and groaned at anything that wasn’t PC).  To the sides there were tables of adults who I ended up thanking mid-set for “getting” it.  They could see I was trying (I refuse to use the word battling when talking about performing) and I even got three applause breaks from them just to help cancel out the moans.  On top of that, the bouncers had to shush the back tables because God forbid kids shut the hell up and just laugh when they drink. 

So yes, it’s these damn kids I’m complaining about!  What can be done?  Well, there’s a reason comics get paid so well for actual college gigs.  There’s a certain style college kids like that some comics may consider a step down.  I’m not saying that great college comics aren’t good–some comics are just universally funny, but for the rest of us, we have to make a few adjustments.  First, realize ahead of time which references are outdated to people born in 1994.  Second, adjust your opening jokes to something they’ll laugh at right away.  How?  Use local humor (which is usually a good idea anywhere).  Third, be “louder” on stage.  Not by yelling, but just by becoming a bigger presence.  Treat it like you’re on a large stage at a theater gig.  Give them a chance to breathe less often so that they might go twenty minutes without checking their phones.  One of the nice things about Columbia is the shorter sets, so you can keep the rapid fire going.  College still kids like clever material as much as mainstream crowds, just be sure you own it unapologetically.  They’ll eventually catch on that their groaning doesn’t bother you.  Deliver those jokes slightly aloof to their response in other words.  I think groaning is now their way of letting you know they understand your joke and its cruel nature.  As comics we appreciate laughter more, but some of us swear that any response is a good response. 

For more advice on special situations like the above, check out Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage.  I appreciate any sharing of this blog as well.

I was giving some feedback to someone who had asked about a set he did at an open mic.  His jokes were funny, setups were brief enough, but there was still something “open mic” or green about his material.  I thought back to my jokes at that stage in my career and some of the subject matter was the same.  We always hear “write about yourself” when starting out.  That’s a good way to make your set unique.  The thing is, just because you’re telling your jokes in first-person (I did this… I did that…), doesn’t mean they’re necessarily about you.

Most jokes aren’t true stories.  Good writers can start with a true story or anecdote, and then add the lies that make it absurd and funny.  What comics eventually learn to do as they progress in their joke-writing abilities is learn to find that area where the lie is realistic, but more absurd than something that could never happen.  Here’s an example (and forgive me if anyone uses this bit, it’s just a common open mic topic many have been guilty of), comics will say they like older women, and then go into some punchline about sleeping with a one of the cast members of Golden Girls (until Betty White dies this will keep happening).  No twenty-something male actually wants to sleep with someone that old.  The lie is absurd, but not realistic.  Cute, but not all that funny.

To find the real funny in your biographical topics, free-write about the subject as much as you can.  To keep with our example, write three pages about why you like older women.  Get specific.  There’s probably some little secret thing about them that you like that you think no one else notices.  Reveal that on stage and you’ll find almost everyone notices and that’s what makes your bit funny.  You’ve shared a secret with the audience and laughter connects them.  Don’t always aim to point out why you’re different, instead make connections with the audience that let’s them realize you’re the same.  They’ll give you a much better response when they can relate to you.  This is why relationship humor works so well.  Most of the people at the show are with someone.

What if you’re not in a relationship?  That’s fine, but an audience can only take so much of the lovable loser type.  That angle gets just as tiring as if an overweight comic kept doing fat jokes or a minority comic kept going on about race.  Find something else to write about that you have in common with others.  Work on reminding them of your similarities, not just your differences.

For more tips on progressing to making money in comedy, check out my book, Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage.

When I first started MCing on the road, I would get to clubs before most of the wait staff.  I had nothing else going on in my life and I wanted to be extra sure I was there on time (I didn’t have a cellphone because it was 2001).  Getting to a show too soon often leads to fatigue, drinking too much beforehand, or even witnessing the manager have a shouting match with the head server.  No matter how eager you are, you don’t need to get there more than an hour ahead of time.  It’s the same courtesy as not showing up to a party before it’s officially ready to begin.

A half-hour is standard but it depends where you’re driving, if you’ve been there before, parking situations, potential traffic, weather conditions, and if the show is actually going to start when the say it is.  Often, a 9:00 one-nighter won’t start until almost 9:30 as people finally start to file in.  While these venues are only making it worse by training their regulars to not show up on time, it happens. 

For a drive of three to five hours, it’s best to plan to get to the area at least ninety minutes before showtime, earlier if there’s a hotel room waiting for you.  If there isn’t one, try to find somewhere to eat and get a feel for the town you’re in.  You can write your first two minutes of local jokes over a cup of coffee. 

One nice thing about where I live, eight minutes from the St. Louis Funnybone, is that I take a few side roads with three stoplights, no traffic and can show up ten minutes before showtime.  There’s no green room there so it’s hard not to get in the way while the crowd is coming in.  For a ton of other pre-show etiquette check out Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage.  MCs have a bad habit of annoying the staff without even knowing it.  I spent over three years as a doorman at a club and know what pisses managers off the most. 

Getting to a one-nighter earlier than necessary can have disadvantages such as the person in charge trying to introduce you to half the crowd before you take the stage.  A lot of times they’re tipsy and annoying and the last people you want to deal with after a long drive.  You want to remain invisible to the crowd before the show (it just helps for some reason).  If you’re in a buffet line with them thirty minutes before you take the stage, it cancels out the whole illusion of being a professional comic from a far away land. 

Even when a booker sends you the show itinerary, it’s still a good idea to call the club/bar, talk to the person who’ll be in charge that night, introduce yourself, and ask him what time the show starts.  Then you can just tell him when you’ll get there.  And even though thirty minutes seems excessive sometimes, it’s a nice favor for the manager not to have to fret over whether you’ll show or not.  If nothing else, give them a call to let them know you’re in town.  The smoother you make their night, the more nice things they’ll say about you to the booker which leads to more work.

Just some numbers I’m proud of…thank you for all of your visits and I hope to keep it going strong for another year…

I especially want to thank Eric Yoder, Steve Sabo, Rob Little, Dave Nelson, Dana Sitar, and others for sharing links on Facebook and other through other means.  I know there were more of you but it doesn’t tell me who.

Thank you to Wayne Manigo for spreading word about my book in the Washington D.C. scene.  Thank you to Michael Alfano, Matt I. and Matt B. for all of the work this year.  Also, thank you to Dan Chopin and Al Canal for many a gig as well.

Thank you to the comics I got advice from including Jeremy Essig, Greg Warren, Andy Smith, Josh Arnold, Heath Hyche, Matt Conty, Steve Sabo, and many others.

Thank you to Jimmy Pardo and the Never Not Funny Crew for plugging my book so many times on their podcast.  Thank you to the many other podcasts that allowed me to spread the word about Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage.

Thank you to Kris Wernowsky for being a good sport and inspiring so many topics to blog about.  Thank you to the Kansas City Scene, the Wasington D.C. scene, the Chattanooga Scene, and the Columbus, Ohio scene for letting me be a part of your Facebook groups as an outsider.

I know I’ve forgotten some so check back as I add more in the future, or just shoot me an email and I’ll be happy to plug you on here as well.  I need to wrap this up and head home…

And now, the little graphics and numbers that WordPress will have me share…

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 15,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 3 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Sometimes I find myself scrolling through my phone contacts for one reason or another thinking, “If I quit comedy, I could delete about 75% of these numbers.”  Honestly, I could delete close to that and it wouldn’t even matter.  I’ll never call them again.  A good chunk of them are comics who I worked with before 2008 when I was out on the road a lot more.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’m married and not lonely/bored or because of Facebook, but I don’t stay in touch with those out of the blue phone calls anymore.  I rarely even get a comic’s phone number these days.  Either I’ve worked with them enough to know I’ll see them within a year, or I don’t feel like talking to them anymore, we just don’t exchange numbers like we used to.  I’m not sure if it’s just me…or maybe it was just me doing it in the first place (that can’t be true), or maybe we’ve all gotten lazy because of social networking…I’ve let it get to the point that if I called some of these comics it would be weird.  It’s unfortunate because that’s one of my favorite things about the job.  I like making new friends (which is hard to do after 25), and it was a perfect excuse to add a buddy.  Some of it might be that I work with headliners who are older now.  I don’t know, but I let a lot of good connections slip away and unless they work one of the four clubs (okay, three) I work on a regular basis, I probably won’t see them for years if ever again at all.  So…call me.  It’s okay.

Here’s something I don’t miss…fellow comics lying to me.  The first week I MCed on the road the feature act felt the need to tell me about all his crazy escapades including his 4-way with three other women (one was in Playboy).  The lies went on from there and I learned to catch on to these types of storytellers.  How lonely is the road that you need to impress the MC?  Was my conversation that bad? (to be fair, it may have been at that age.)

So this week’s tips:  Stay in touch via phone and don’t lie.  For other not so common yet helpful tips order my book here.

And Missouri residents, I’ve got some shows in St. Louis and Columbia you can check out here for this month (January).  I know what you’re thinking…Does it include one at an Elk’s Lodge?  Of course.

(I worry this title might somehow end up in the wrong message board.)

Thanks for your patience on the entries.  I had PRK surgery a few days ago (like LASIK only more  painful) so I can’t see the screen all that well just yet.  I haven’t been on stage in over two weeks which I haven’t done in years, but at the last show I was in, fellow St. Louis comic, Josh Arnold and I were talking about some of the tough rooms we had both worked.  Turns out he doesn’t do well with hipsters either.  It made me feel better because anyone (other than that room of hipsters) who’s seen Josh knows he’s hilarious.  (Seriously, I’m not doing an open mic BS intro, he’s very funny.)  We got to talking about how some nights as a feature you don’t have the greatest set, but then the headliner goes up and has a challenging time too.  Disregard what Seinfeld says about “it’s never the crowd,” …sometimes it’s the crowd.  And it’s not that we root against the headliner 99% of the time, it’s just a bit of comfort to know that someone who’s probably funnier and more experienced can’t win them over either.  “It’s not me, it’s them!”

The point is this…Before you beat yourself up over a bad set or praise yourself for a good one, decide how the other comics on the bill did and if they’re similar enough to compare your set with.  Some comics might have no idea what I’m getting at here and that’s fine.  But I’ve had this conversation with enough people in the business to know it’s worth sharing.  And now if you’ll excuse me and probably a couple of typos, I have some eye drops to put in.

Hey look–my blog is back early!  I wanted to thank everyone for their support and purchases over the past year.  My book is now a year old.  I’ve set a personal sales record on Amazon.com for December including four sales overseas so I’m very happy that momentum continues.  Now for some advice…

In the next two weeks some newer comics are going to get their first chance at a corporate gig (or perhaps you just experienced it in the last few weeks, sorry this is late).  When you get to the gig you think, “Wow, X-hundred dollars just for doing a set?  This is great.  Hey look, cocktail shrimp!”  Then you take the “stage” to a number of people who not only don’t want to stop chatting to listen to you, oh no, they don’t want to stop and listen to anyone who would dare intrude their party with stand-up comedy.  The bosses in charge butcher everything needed for a successful comedy show…seating, lighting, introductions, timing, and a number of other things.  It’s very possible that an experienced comic’s list of highest paying and worst gigs of all-time are very similar.  If you ever get a chance to work with the very funny Dan Davidson, request that he tell the story about his worst corporate party experience.  I just listened to Jimmy Pardo explain his very recent awful show on Never Not Funny episode 1122.  Even the guys who are at the top experience these things.  All of these holiday parties lead right up to the pinnacle of challenging yet lucrative comedy on New Year’s Eve.  I’m not saying to turn them down, but just know that the big paycheck comes with a price (great irony Durham!).  For tips on how to handle various gigs such as corporate parties and other holidays, check out my book on Amazon.com or one of the other sales channels.

In 2013 I want to slightly adjust the angle of this blog and make it more of a journal.  Don’t worry, I’ll still jam the plugs for my book in by explaining what happened at my show and what you can learn, but it’ll be less textbook-like.  The goal is to maintain the weekly entries.  Feel free to post any questions or ideas…Thanks for reading.