Last week I was on the road working at Crackers in Indianapolis, Wednesday through Saturday.  The hotel is a lot nicer than most, but whether your gig gives you a hole or luxury it’s important to figure out how to spend your time wisely when you’re not performing.  In fact, I think the 23+ hours you’re not on stage can be just as important to your career as your stage time.  Instead of sitting around watching premium cable while surrounding yourself with different sauces to dip your chicken nuggets in (something I learned from another comic called the “nugget buffet” which is actually really fun), try to improve your act and yourself.  Trust me, you have the time (seriously though, nugget buffet can break up a bit of the boredom so don’t rule it out).

1.  Find a gym–Almost every city has a nearby place to workout.  The club or hotel often provides passes so be sure to pack a few days worth of shorts and t-shirts.

2.  Listen to your act–record and listen to your sets.  It can be boring (I’m so sick of my set by 2nd show Saturday) but you’ll be surprised how much more “aware” you are of every little detail in each joke.  This can be the difference between a good and great set (and a good and great comic).

3.  Read a book (NSFW sound).  <—-Not a link to my book, I promise.  It’s a youtube video my students directed me to last year.  Reading allows you to think like a writer.

4.  Write a at least one new joke and incorporate at least a little bit of it into one of your late shows.  If a set is going great or bad, it allows you to take a little risk.

5.  Send out your avails.  This is best to do while you’re working because bookers see that you’re busy and not desperate.

6.  Get into an internet fight.

7.  Be a tourist.  Find something free in the town you’re in via Google and go to it no matter how boring it is.  There’s a joke there waiting for you.

8.  Prepare for your show by having your merch organized and your outfit ironed.

9.  Sleep at night, get up in the morning…at least while the free breakfast is still out.  The danger of reversing your days and nights is that you eliminate a lot of your downtime options, so stick to a normal schedule that won’t have you awake at 4 a.m. with nothing to do.

10.  I’ll leave #10 for you…comments, suggestions?  I’d like to include more tips for those on the road.  This helps to give a taste of the future for those working hard to get to this point.  I find that I’m still learning something new every week on and off stage and still making a lot of mistakes.

These tips were rather basic, but there are a lot more detailed tips and inside info about what the road is like in my book, Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage.  C’mon buy it!  It’s a worthwhile investment to your career and a tax write-off.  If you want to learn the steps and keys to becoming a paid comic, order my book.

In the last decade we’ve seen shows like Last Comic Standing, America’s Got Talent and Star Search butcher the idea of comedy competitions.  A lot of their finalists are predetermined and they often only allowed for two-minute sets.  In 2003 I drove five hours for a 90-second audition and got nothing.  For this reason, I say don’t waste your time with television competitions.  They’re meant for the more experienced professionals.  However, a local comedy contest can benefit your early career.  I’ll admit, they’re never 100% fair but then again, this is show business so that’s appropriate.  Get used to it.

In Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage I describe all of the pros and cons of a contest and how to handle certain situations (like following the freak, the first-timer who eats it, or the high energy guy who kills it).  I also describe how the order of comics influences judging and give special tips on what to do to increase your chances of winning.

My free advice this week has to do with why you should enter.  Don’t enter to win the contest, but instead, enter because you’ll get a chance to perform your set in front of a hot crowd.  Too many comics post youtube clips of themselves in front of less than ten people.  That’s not something you want to share.  If you must have a clip, film on competition nights when you’ll have a crowd of laughs instead of individual chuckles.

Obviously you want to bring as many people as possible to watch you.  There’s no secret in that strategy.  St. Louis Funnybone manager Matt Behrens stated that judges can see when only someone’s friends are laughing for them.  However, when a group of people laugh it gets the whole crowd laughing and that momentum makes anyone seem funnier.  Club managers take notice of these sets a lot more than open mic night.

My warning to the comedy community is this…just like yourself, don’t take a competition too seriously.  Feelings are going to be hurt and someone who you think isn’t as funny as you is going to place higher.  It’s really the luck of the draw and how many friends you can get to show up.  In 2006, I went from winning the semi-finals (I had about 15 people in the crowd) to placing 5th out of 6 in the finals (I had one in the crowd).  So if you’re going to be too proud to try and stack the crowd, don’t whine later on when you don’t win.  It’s also important to remember that the results of the contests are not going to make or break your career.  In another month no one will care who placed ahead of whom.

(I write this entry also to help promote the St. Louis Funnybone contest which starts in May.)

Bring people, record it, stay under your time limit, and read my book for many other tips!

So you’re finally getting some paid shows and you’ve got a webpage or at least an “about me” section somewhere that let’s people know you’re a comic (because you took my advice and removed “Comedian” from your Facebook name).  Just like the advice in my book, Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage, I’m not going to tell you how to be funny (there are other books that attempt to do this, mine covers everything else), but instead give you some guidelines and include a few things to avoid in your bio.

1.  Do not include the words brutally honest.  It’s the most overused phrase in bios.  All of our acts are brutally honest.

2.  Write in third person but don’t acknowledge that you feel uncomfortable writing in the third person (we all did this on our MySpace profiles because we thought we were funny and original back in ’04).

3.  You don’t have any real credentials yet, so don’t try to make anything you’ve done sound important…winning a local contest isn’t going to impress bookers.  I learned this the hard way when a headliner laughed at one of my early bios while reading it off of his laptop in the tiny green room at Joker’s in Dayton (may it rest in peace). 

4.  Self-deprecation is good but don’t just bash yourself to the point of sounding pathetic.  Lean towards subtle and avoid trying to be over the top with anything.  Perhaps you could even mock a credential if you feel you must include one.

5.  Keep it brief.  The less you write the less there is to mess up.  Five to seven sentences is plenty early on in your career.  Remember, you don’t want to take yourself too seriously at this point.  You simply want the reader to chuckle a bit and see that you can, in fact, be funny.

Writing a bio can be tough and I should point out that I hate mine.  My bio (it’s the 2nd paragraph under all the book stuff) isn’t going to get me any extra work, but it’s good enough to where it’s not going to lose any either.  It lets people know my age (if they do the math), a few modest credentials (name-dropping), and a few topics I cover in my act.

That concludes this week’s advice (and overuse of parenthesis) .  Here are a couple announcements…Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage is now available on iTunes, and I’ll be working with Moshe Kasher at the St. Louis Funnybone this week.  I’ll be selling and signing books after the show.

Someone from afar (Texas actually), emailed me about my book and asked why I encourage people to do it for the money when comedy is an art.  Though I don’t think I previously said, “Do it for the money,” I am now.  Here’s my response…

I think some (just some) of the controversy about the alternative comedy scene versus doing things that work for the mainstream clubs has to do with comics considering the sacrifice in art in order to make money.  What’s overlooked is the sacrifice of pride (there’s hardly any money) you have to make if you’re going to be in this business professionally no matter what scene you’re in.  Alternative or mainstream, you’re going to have to deal with a lot of crap from other people in the business…and pretend to like it.  For example, a year and a half ago I was supposed to work a one-nighter at a bar with a booker/comic.  $150, ninety minutes away, chance to sell merch (t-shirts) after the show (so probably around $200 for that night).  One week before the show I emailed him to confirm and verify showtime.  He wrote back that he accidentally double-booked me and would have to get back to me for a future date.  I was mad because I had turned down some other work for that weekend.  I found out that he replaced me with a female comic he was trying to sleep with.

So do I burn the bridge?  No.  I don’t take it personally, I stay in touch and months later I get a closer gig from him for just as much money.  I’d say double-bookings are one of the biggest problems in the business.  It hurts your feelings when you learn that someone booked you and someone else because they forgot about you.  It happens.  Show details get altered, people get screwed over, money is taken away from you but you still have to take it and like it because it’s show business.  This is just a minor example of the many ways you’re going to be disrespected as you go through your career.

The email I received from Texas and a few other conversations have made me realize that I had made a false assumption that people are in this with money as one of the motivations.  Thinking back, I would have emceed for almost free starting out at the Columbus Funnybone so money wasn’t part of the equation for me either at the start of my career.  So no, don’t tolerate all of the politics and BS that goes with working a club for the money (MC pay is usually around $25 a show anyway), but tolerate it for the massive amount of stage time you get in front of hundreds of people.  As far as learning and improving, it’s the equivalent of when someone is just learning a language and they take a trip to that different country where everyone else speaks it.  By the end of the week, it’s so much more natural.

Now the part where I encourage you to do it for the money…

Performing in front of real crowds will lead to you becoming a skilled enough comic to start making money at other venues, alternative or not.  By then you’ll be in love with comedy enough that you’ll want it to be your only job.  Vince Morris, a very successful comedian who I worked with quite a few times while starting out, would always tell me, “When you rely on other means of income whether it be your day job or your parents, you will fail to reach your full comedy potential.”  My biggest year for improvement was 2005 shortly after I had turned down a $7,000 raise and promotion at a bank which I quit completely to make comedy my only source of income.  I lived at a poverty level for a good chunk of that year until I finally made myself get a job subbing that fall, but it’s still the busiest year of my career.  This is why I encourage people to “do it for the money” at some point.  You’ll hit your “comedy puberty.”

Don’t worry about thinking there is such thing as “selling out” in comedy at this level because selling out means you’re living comfortably and none of us are there.  Yes, you might have to drop a few of your favorite lines (I did this and looking back mine weren’t funny anyway), but it forces you to continue to write better material.  Success in this business comes from and along with sacrifice, ego-bruising and all around pain.  You don’t get to pick your path to success, it just happens to you.

If you’d like to hear more stories of me getting screwed over while paying my dues along with other great advice I learned from professionals, please check out a copy of Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage.

Comedy is not a normal job and most comics aren’t normal people (although I think our irregularity is overrated).  I gave a few comedians the chance to weigh in on the matter and while I don’t want to get too deep into this, here are some points I thought should be covered.

I’m often asked if I do jokes about my wife on stage and the answer is yes.  I’ve always had a joke or two about whatever relationship I’ve been in and with the permanence of my wife they keep building.  I try to stay as respectful as possible and her saying is, “If it makes money…”  If you’re dating a comic, expect to be mentioned and to hear about ex’s mentioned as well.  Comics, be respectful and tasteful.  The “My wife sucks because…” rants have all been covered anyway.

Steve Poggi, who is not married, but is in a young relationship said, “She likes the attention. As long as it’s not like, “Well then the stupid bitch did….”, most of my jokes are just about me being crazy about her. She understands the joke aspect, so things never get tense about  it.”

Obviously comics spend a lot of time away from home while working the road so the trust has to be there.  I know of a lot of comics who cheat on their wives and I’ve heard a lot of comics tell me that their wives (or ex’s) cheated on them.  I don’t think being away leads to cheating, I think it just makes the relationship more challenging.  Cheaters are cheaters though, we just hear about it more because comics share their pain on stage.

The last two brief points I want to cover are about traveling as well.  The first part is for someone who wants to date a comic.  You must understand up front the amount of time away that it involves.  It’s pretty much a long distance relationship.  I think a lot of people misunderstand and think that comic is going to change his or her (let’s be frank, it’s usually his) career.  I’ll admit, part of the reason I don’t work the road as much is because I don’t like being away, but I consider myself a lucky husband.  So the big advice for the comic or the person dating a comic, you have to know up front about the time apart issue and realize that it’s not going to change.  This means have a talk about it!

On a lighter note, I advise against taking your significant other on the road with you 99% of the time.  I discuss a near tragedy in my book when I once let a girlfriend drive me to a gig only an hour away and I only made it to the show with two minutes to spare.  The road is an uncomfortable lifestyle that not many comics want to endure let alone someone who’s just along for the ride.  The hotels are often nasty, you can’t afford to eat well, and watching the same show gets repetitive.  As Poggi also pointed out, “It’s not a vacation.”  I occasionally take my wife if it’s somewhere near and really fun (free food open bar), but at this point she’s over tagging along (I don’t blame her).  I say let your partner come out just once or twice to see how rough it is to gain some empathy and to eliminate the fallacy that it’s hundreds of groupies trying to sleep with you as soon as you get off stage.

For more on the topic check out the podcast Tackling Tough Issues in a recent episode with Tommy Johnagin.  The issue is discussed a little further and Tommy makes a huge announcement.

I feel like I’ve barely touched on this topic and others might have things to add so feel free to comment on your experiences with this issues.  This could be a two-parter.

Anger and comedy often go hand in hand.  I’ve never been one to be all that angry on stage, but my anger off stage has certainly made me less than proud of the way I talk about people.  The big reason some of us comics are so angry?  Pure jealousy.  If comedy was like baseball it would be easy to measure everyone’s statistics and find out who’s funnier.  With so many variables like location, venue, appearance, the crowd type, who else is in the show, and pure luck, all you can hope for is a fair shot.  Showbiz isn’t fair, so as a result there is a lot of frustration over who gets the attention and success.  Throw in how nutty some comics are to begin with, and it’s no wonder there are so many Internet fights (most of us are pansies so we choose this method, often taking it a step further and using a false name).

Anger on stage is also a common thing.  Dennis Leary, Lewis Black, and others have made their living from it.  It’s no wonder so many young comics full of angst try this when they start out (but usually fail).

Comedian, actor, and author Ward Anderson summed it up best when I asked him why anger doesn’t work for so many younger comics. . .

When I started, I would rant onstage and wonder why the audiences just looked at me.  Well, it was because I was a 20-something kid who thought he knew what anger was.  I had nothing to be pissed about, yet I was up there being pissed.  All of my idols were pissed, so why not me?!  Well, now that I’m almost 40, I realize that the problem is that the only person who relates to pissed-off 20-somethings are other pissed-off 20-somethings.  There’s something to be said about that if you want to work colleges.  But don’t be surprised if club audiences don’t necessarily follow it.  Exceptions to every rule, of course.  But just like a man doesn’t want to sit and hear a female comic talk about how worthless men are (especially after PAYING to hear it), not a lot of middle-aged audience members can relate to a 22-year-old kid spouting off what’s wrong with the world today.

Thanks Ward!

I talk more about anger as well as other styles comics try to take on stage in my book Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage…The Stand-up Guide to Comedy.  And if you’re one of the comics mad at my book?  Hey–you’re normal!  (But stop reading right here because this next part’s going to piss you off even more.)

I’d like to thank everyone for a record setting week for my book.  I sold over twenty at my show Friday night as well as quite a few online sales.  I only have a few copies in stock until my next shipment on the 27th, so try the high-tech method.

If you’re into ebooks (whether it be downloading a PDF for your PC or using the web on your Kindle) go to my online publisher at:  https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/133839 and enter CC74Y to save 25% (making it only $7.49).  Offer valid for a limited time!

To read this and other entries simply visit www.dontwearshortsonstage.com to scroll through past advice for those looking to make money doing comedy.  New entry every Monday!

You’re supposed to write about yourself, your life, and your expreiences, right?  The problem is your life isn’t all that much different than the other twenty-some guys on the list at open mic.  You’re from the midwest, you’re single, your ex-girlfriend was a bitch, you’re poor, you smoke weed, you drink, you’ve been to a strip club, you’re out of shape, your job sucks if you even have one, you have to live with your parents, and your sex life consists of your right hand and a website.  What can you say that hasn’t already been joked about?  Even worse is that club managers aren’t interested in this kind of material opening up their 7:30 Saturday show to a crowd with grown men possible wearing a blazer who have wives ordering $7 drinks with no problem.

So what else is there to write about?  In my book I mention several techniques that pros gave me early on.  For example, Michael Loftus said he used to go through the USA Today section that had a one-sentence news story about every state and try to write a joke for each one.  In a recent chat with Andi Smith she advised just writing about the everyday occurrences even if it’s just going to the store.  She also mentioned the news as a great source for bits.  Keith Alberstadt (check him out on Pandora now) says “just traveling is a treasure trove of gold.”  Stop at tourist stops, talk to people with various personalities, etc.

Bits about what’s happening in the news are obviously common and this isn’t breakthrough insight on my part, but I do offer certain pros and cons along with other tips when your material covers current events in Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage.  In order for your material to be funnier, it has to be more unique.  Right now your life might not be that interesting, but see if you can write a short three or four minute set without using the typical subjects I mentioned in the first paragraph.  You need to think like a writer at all times, not just when you sit down with a notebook (which you should also do every day).

I’ve also seen a few comics sharing some really personal quirks about themselves and their families on stage.  This is a good start but you cannot just state these oddball facts.  You must turn them into a punchline to make them funny instead of just implying how strange they are in a statement or story.  You’re on the right track, just take it up a notch.

The main point of this entry wasn’t as much to give you writing ideas, but instead to become aware of overdone topics male comics in their 20s use.  I apologize that this entry was aimed only at the male open mic comics so here’s my tip for the female open mic comics.  You don’t all have to do an abortion joke.

If you want more advice on how to make money in comedy be sure to check out my book at www.robdurhamcomedy.com or get the ebook for a fraction of the price instantly RIGHT HERE.  (Yes, you can do that from your Kindle as well using the same link.)

As I’ve tried to share what I’ve learned from so many veteran comics to the newer comedians in the business over the last few months, it’s come to my attention that not everyone believes in advice.  Yes, nothing is better than stage time, but there are 168 hours in a week and you’re on stage for maybe a total of 30 minutes if you frequent open mics.  With comedy being one of the arts and very subjective, there is some gray area on what’s right and wrong.  Everyone is different in some way so not every rule applies to everyone (Gabriel Iglesias wears shorts on his Comedy Central special).  So can you give advice to someone who is an artist?  I say…yes.  Do great artists still go to art school?  Do great singers still take vocal lessons?  Yep.  When you stop learning as an artist, you put a ceiling on your abilities.  Great writers still read others, musicians listen outside of their own studios and so on.  I guess I understand not everyone believes in reading a book to learn something (isolate that statement and see if it sounds intelligent), but you have to have some other sources whether it be other comics, podcasts, blogs, etc.  No one becomes successful in comedy on their own.  Even if you don’t trust my advice enough to order my book, learn from others.  (For those who ask what gives me the authority to write a book on comedy, I would simply remind that I’ve been listening and learning from others better than me for over twelve years now.  I didn’t invent anything, I’m sharing what I learned.)  No one is trying to teach you funny, but if you happen to have the chance like the St. Louis scene did to hear Greg Warren talk about the lifestyle of a comic last month or the Ryan Stout/Jeremy Essig MC clinic you might overcome what’s holding you back from getting hired at a club.  It could be one or two little things.

I think the main reason comics don’t want to hear advice is that it makes them aware of what they’re doing wrong.  It’s kind of like going back and reading your first draft of a story or essay.  No one enjoys seeing all of the mistakes they’re making and having them pointed out.  The other reason a lot of us don’t like to correct ourselves?  We’re just lazy (me included).  I’ve listened to less than 10% of the sets I’ve recorded.  Some of them are only a couple of minutes yet “I have no time” for some reason.  This week I did listen and I noticed that I completely screwed up/replaced a key word in one of my punchlines.  (It was the stand-up equivalent of a bog typo.)  It was accidental but I had no idea that’s what I said.  I also noticed that after twelve years I still talk too fast which I’ve always known, but can’t seem to overcome.  See, it’s painful listening to yourself.  Watching a video is even worse.

The final reason I believe comics aren’t challenging themselves to improve more is that there’s no deadline.  No one says, “You’ve done this two years and haven’t earned a cent, you’re done.”  It’s like weight-loss or making money, you can set goals but without a deadline it doesn’t feel like failure when you never get there.  So week after week some comics plop down at open mic doing most of the same five minutes to random levels of applause based solely on how many are in the crowd, taking pride in an obscene joke they’d never get away with as a paid opener and saying, “This is what I’m going to do for a living!”

When?

This may sound like tough love (I love you, but I’m not in love with you) but if your set isn’t getting you work, you have to write a new one.  Let only your strongest jokes survive if you have any.  (Listen to your recordings)  Trying the same thing over and over will lead to you waking up six or seven years into your career and wondering why you’re only getting open mic gigs.  If you want to make this your job, you have to work.

For more information about Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage…The Stand-up Guide to Comedy click here.

But first this week’s advice…You’re not going to really read the advice are you?  OK fine, CLICK HERE to hear my book mentioned then comeback for the advice part.  (It’s a podcast, listen in the first 10 minutes).

(See what I did there?)

In my book I mention that guest sets are one of the best ways to get into new clubs.  Whether you’re looking to work there as an emcee or a feature, it’s usually a five to ten minute set right after the emcee.  Occasionally a club will accidentally promise two comics a guest set.  If you have the choice go after the emcee because he or she will be much easier to follow if you’re in your first few years.  Just like with anything else with the word “guest” in it there is a certain etiquette to follow.

Usually the club manager will have to ask the headliner or will have you ask for yourself.  It really depends on who it is.  If it’s someone well known enough to get a door deal (no free passes for audience), then guest sets are normally not allowed.  If it’s the average headliner, they usually understand and have no problem with it.  I talked with Isaac Witty whose credits include a set on Letterman about his preferences as a headliner and here are some things we came up with…  (Most of these seem like common sense, but if you’ve never done a guest set at a real comedy club before, it’s important to stress these.)

1. Stick to your time.  You’re causing the show to go on even longer, so it’s important not to go over.

2.  Stay as clean as possible, especially if you’re trying to get booked as an emcee.  (Clean vs. dirty is discussed extensively in my book.)  Isaac is a very clean comic and no guest set should be dirtier than the headliner, let alone the dirtiest comic on the show.

3.  If you’re already an established comic at your home club, don’t do a guest set of your tried and true stuff (unless you’re doing a recording).  Use that time to fine tune your newer jokes.  It always bothers the other comics when a guy takes up seven minutes of the show to crush with his best material just to impress a girl he brought along for the night (Some comics call this “auditioning for a blowjob”).  On the flip side, if you’re trying to get into a new club you should always do your best stuff.

4.  Even if the club clears it for you, it’s still nice to ask (and then thank) the headliner for letting you be on the show.

5.  Whether they allow it or not, don’t take advantage of the club’s free drinks or food.  Buy and tip like extremely well.

The whole process is a long interview.  Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage includes more information on when, who, and how to ask for guest sets and what to do if they go well.

Also, I’d like to mention that my book is now in ebook format, so whether you want it as a PDF or if you have Kindle, check it out on this link.

Thank you to all of the new readers.  Click here to be able to scroll through previous entries.

This week’s entry is for those who work the road, specifically one-nighters, mostly as feature acts.  This, I believe, is a large bulk of the industry, especially in the Midwest.  A lot of comics, including myself, get these gigs off of mailing lists.  Bookers email a few hundred of us at a time with an email that looks like this…

Who’s open?