Since publishing Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage I’ve had a lot of questions from other people on putting a book out.  In this entry I’ll break down the steps I took to make it affordable and profitable.  I did a lot of research on the Internet and I only found that message boards can be annoying because something can go from being the best to worst idea depending on which stranger you believe (I usually agree with the one with the fanciest icon).

Step 1…Write for years ahead of time.  No one is born a good writer.  I got my college degree in English with a focus on creative writing.  Then I spent my entire 20s writing garbage that no one would ever read on livejournal and a myspace blog.

Step 2…Find an idea that’s interesting enough for an audience to want to read.  Be an expert on it, or if it’s fiction, make it more than entertaining and interesting.  Read books on how to write whatever it is you’re writing.

Step 3…Write.  I wrote the bulk of my book on the weekends of my teaching job.  I would do 2,000-5,000 words per weekend until I finished my first draft in July of 2011 (I started in February and ended up a little over 71,000 words).

Step 4…Revise.  I went to UMSL (University of Missouri- St. Louis, where I got my teacher certification in ’09) because I still had free printer access and broke their “20 page maximum” rule by 291 double spaced pages.  Not many people can properly revise straight from a screen so print it out.  Read your words out loud and listen to how they sound.

Step 5…After making adjustments from first revision, revise again.  More printing!  Reword the weak parts, add things you forgot.  Strengthen the opening paragraphs and make sure it’s organized correctly.

Step 6…Get some feedback.  This was one of the hardest steps because not many people like to tell you what’s wrong with your book (until it’s published).  Reading takes time.  People barely like to read shiny new paperbacks let alone bulky three-ring binder manuscripts.  Most of the people who read mine said, “Yep, looks great.”  So you may end up having to pay someone with experience at this sort of thing to take the time to give you a valid opinion.  (Here’s where the cost starts to come in.)  $50 is typical for a read through.

Step 7…Revise again for content and then proofread for grammatical mistakes.  You’ll be amazed how many mistakes you overlooked in previous readings.  It’s hard, but your red pen can’t catch everything.  If you’re really struggling, read the entire draft backwards one sentence at a time.  That will certainly prevent you from breezing over silly mistakes.  The more you correct now, the less you’ll pay for editing because they start at $25 an hour while most are a lot more.

Step 8…Put it away for a few weeks and look for an editor.  There are plenty of professional freelance editors on Craigslist but it’s best to find the writing community in your city.  I started attending monthly meetings with the St. Louis Publisher’s Association.  I couldn’t afford anyone there and I actually found my editor via a professor I had at UMSL in ’09.  He referred me to her and she worked incredibly cheap and did a lot more than just basic editing.  She knew how to format and design a book.

Step 9…Format your book.  You can’t just send in a Word file.  Hopefully your editor has one of the professional publishing programs (they cost hundreds of dollars) and can help you design your book.  You need to pick out multiple fonts as well as decide on every other little detail.  Headers, footers, lines, title font style and size, etc.  There’s so much more to book design than any of us ever imagined.  Do you know what it means when a sentence is an orphan?  I didn’t either, but they’re very bad.  Also, in a book, each sentence only has one space after a period. Weird, huh?

Step 9B…Add dedication, acknowledgements, table of contents, index, and all that other fun stuff.

Step 10…After a few weeks of not reading your manuscript, look over what your editor has done with your work.  Odds are you’ll realize you have no clue where a comma does or doesn’t go.

Step 11…Consider publishing options.  No one’s going to publish your manuscript and if they do it’ll take 18 months only after you spend a year trying to find someone to be your literary agent through query letters.  If you’d like to skip this step and all of the con-artists that come with it, self-publish.  I used Createspace.com for mine.  They have customer service by phone 24-7.  They print on demand so you don’t have to order hundreds at a time.  Whether you order one or a thousand, each copy costs the same to you (it’s based on page number so mine’s only a few bucks).  They also put it on Amazon and other networks for free.  Amazon then takes 40% of my royalties on each copy because they’re terrible people.

Step 12…Design a cover.  Actually, pay to have an expert do it.  Once again I was fortunate to have my brother, the great Dave Durham, do this for me (those are his legs on the cover).  He has an Art degree, a Canon 60D and a lot of talent.  Createspace has a cover template so he made the design based on their format.  Make sure your title is awesome and that your blurbs on the back are brief yet effective.

Step 13…Read over and approve your final copy.  This involves a lot of back and forth with your editor.  Mine put the final copy into a PDF and I uploaded it.  It only takes about a week for them to “build” your book.  Yes, there are a few errors in mine but I’m not a perfectionist.    I corrected them for the e-book…

Step 14…Make an e-book version on Smashwords.com for free.  They have a nice long how-to-convert manual but it only took me six hours to convert mine.  It’s available on iTunes, Kindle, Nook, and every other main format of e-book.  (And though e-books cost my customers $6 less, I end up making more per copy).

Step 15…Write a weekly blog that relates to your book.  Don’t give everything away, but give your customers a sample of your writing and build trust with them.

Step 16…Promote it.  Message boards, the blog, facebook, twitter, etc.  Call local book stores and ask to do a signing.  No one comes to those but get pictures of the few who do, post them, and make it look like you’re a big deal on Facebook.

Step 17…Prepare for backlash and criticism.  Don’t take it personally.  Think of all of the books you’ve hated for being written.

Step 18…Send important people free copies in exchange for some promotion.  This works quite well though a few of them will screw you over.

Step 19…Be patient.  My tax bracket hasn’t changed with the money I’ve made from my book.  (And not just because I don’t report most of the sales.)  Publishing a book is like comedy, I don’t do it just for the money.  I honestly believe bringing a copy of my book to my last interview was what got me the job.  Everyone has a resume to their name, few have an ISBN number (you have to get one of those for your book, too.  It’s like its Social Security number).

Step 20…Answer questions.  People have come to me with a lot of questions.  Some for advice, some for debate, and some just to try and piss me off.  Any attention is good attention, right?

Hopefully this will help you decide if it’s all worth it or not.  It would be interesting to break down my hourly wage if I calculated my profits versus hours spent.  Either way, it was worth it to me.  This week at the St. Louis Funnybone I had twice as many sales with my book as I ever had with my t-shirts and it wasn’t even a busy week.

In this entry I’m not going to tell you what the purpose of open mic is, but instead tell you to have a purpose each time you take the stage for one.  A lot of times we go through the motions after so many years and so many shows that we end up wasting a lot of quality stage time.  There are a lot of factors for deciding what your purpose should be that night, depending on how experienced you are, how many people are in the crowd, and if anyone important is watching.  By important, I mean anyone who could possibly get you a paid gig or (let’s be honest guys in your 20s) have sex with you.  A few other factors can also influence your setlist.  How well is the crowd responding and who are you following in the show?  If a pro goes before you and blows the roof off the place, you’ll need to sacrifice up to a minute or so just to establish you’re funny too with a strong trusted joke.  If the crowd is responding negatively to riskier things, they may not be an accurate barometer for your new bit about (domestic violence, race, etc.).

Sometimes I’ll do an open mic set and only care about one bit out of the four minutes.  It’s the equivalent to going to a driving range and almost exclusively using my 8-iron for a full bucket of balls (I should do that).  Other times I’ll go and do four minutes of jokes that I’ve been doing for years, but haven’t done for months just to keep them in the front of my memory.  Occasionally I just need to have a good set to get some confidence back after a rough one-nighter.  When I first started out, open mic was just the practice of getting on stage, using a microphone, and getting over the nerves.  Overall, I try to use the St. Louis Funnybone Tuesday open mic to pound out new bits over the course of multiple weeks.  Last week I had two new bits work very well, but on the flip side, it was an extremely generous crowd.  I try to play with and tweek the wording and emphasis on certain things for the best result until I find a phrasing I like and can “permanently phrase it” in my act.  I get into a lot more of what to work on and how to make adjustments once you have the words of a joke memorized in my book.

If you’re trying to progress to getting a guest set or to emcee work, it’s important to give your best four minutes as often as possible at the club you’re trying to work at.  The benefit of having multiple open mics in a city is that you can be riskier at the ones where no one important is watching.  Know when and how you can establish a reputation as someone who “brings it” every week at the comedy club’s open mic night.  Eventually you’ll be noticed.

A few weeks ago I talked about standing ovations and had someone message me that they heard a guy end his set with something to the effect of, “I’m a cancer survivor, thank you!”  which led to a standing ovation.  It came out of the blue, he didn’t mention it earlier in his act from what I gathered.  In my book I mention other ways to get cheap applause with some of it more acceptable than others depending on the situation.  Again, I’m not giving my book away on here for free as these weekly entires are only side notes to some of the tips and advice on how to make money in comedy, so I’ll just focus on what seems to be the biggest offender.  (And hear me out as I delicately approach this topic…)

“Keep it going for the troops…”  The line itself is a running joke to a lot of comics.  We’re not disrespecting the troops.  In fact, it really doesn’t have much to do with them (which is why the line shouldn’t be abused).  We support them, obviously.  What we’re laughing about is the blatant pandering that some comics have to resort to.  There’s nothing wrong with having, “He just got back from entertaining the troops in Iraq…” as an intro.  I wish I could say that.  But when you take their hard work and lifestyle and use it as a cheap excuse for applause to your set, I think it’s disrespectful.  If there’s someone from the military in the crowd and you want to give them a round of applause after pointing them out, that’s great…it’s for them.  But when you’re using the line to piggyback a crescendo in your set, or bail you out of a tough spot, that’s selfish in my opinion.  I realize I might catch some crap for this, and I usually keep all advice away from opinions and stick to the facts that I’ve learned from the mouths of successful headliners, but I thought I’d take a risk.  I understand that sometimes at a one-nighter you have to do something to wake up thirty hillbillies who are more interested in Sunday’s pole, but I also include in my book the correct strategies I’ve learned on how to handle places like Muncie, Indiana without taking the cheap route and developing bad habits.

For those that need a second opinion on this matter, listen to Bill Hicks mock the overuse in this bit.  Argue with his fans, not me.

Since I published Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage in December 2011, I’ve been notified by dozens of comics and a few non-comics whenever they or someone else wears shorts on stage.  Usually it’s done in humor, but there have been a handful of times that people want a deeper explanation (either of these reasons is okay with me).  I’ve come to realize that sometimes they just want to argue, others are mature enough for a real debate.  One way I’ve discovered the difference is that when I want to give my book some credibility, I acknowledge the comments from the comics I quoted on the back (Jimmy Pardo, Tommy Johnagin, and Maria Bamford).  My new rules is this:  If they say, “I don’t know who those comics are!” then it lets me know this person isn’t much of a stand-up comedy fan.  They don’t have to like any or all three of those comics, but if they don’t know who they are (especially Maria), that’s a key to me that this will be like debating what constitutes “good rock music” with a teenager.  “Shinedown rules!”  Sure they do.

Others (close to a dozen actually, so don’t think I’m going after any individuals) have told me that they’ve worn shorts on stage for years.  Well, I’m glad you can get away with it at your venues.  I’m not going to scrap my book.  I titled it that because 99.9% of successful headliners would agree with me (damn you Gabriel Iglesias).  One of the goals of my book was to show you what I have learned from successful comics through the years (I didn’t come up with 71,000 words of advice on my own).  Most of these lessons were learned from conversations I had with headliners before or after shows in green rooms or while I was a doorman in the early years of my comedy career.

People often question whether it’s worth sacrificing pride and “the art of it” to make money in comedy.  How much pride are you sarcrificing in your other job?  Wouldn’t it be great if comedy was the only thing you depended on for income?  That’s another goal my book can help you reach over the long run if you work hard enough.  The comics who I constulted on the various issuess, including not wearing shorts, aren’t clocking in anywhere else.

But Rob, don’t you have another job?  Yes, I’m going to be a full-time English teacher again.  That’s a choice I’ve made and have explained in the book on why I’m okay with not being on the road full-time at this point in my life.  Order here to find out why.

Oh, and to answer the question…Wearing shorts on stage looks unprofessional.  You aren’t allowed to wear shorts in a lot of jobs, comedy is no different.

As comics, we have a right to let people know it’s what we do (although some people claim the title of “comic” months or years before they should).  Sometimes we make smartass comments at our other job or to people we don’t mean to offend.  If they know we’re comics, we are forgiven sometimes.  Unfortunately, this title also comes with the burden of those who don’t know any better who will inevitably ask us for a joke.  I hate this.  If I ever write another book about comedy, it will be aimed toward the comedy fan to educate them against things like this.  Stand-up comedy doesn’t work (nor should it have to) on request.  Trust me, I’ve been forced in many of my other jobs, and people have a hard time taking no for an answer.

This week’s lesson, you’re not a joke jukebox.  Metaphor time…Surgeons need a lot of equipment and preparation to perform a surgery.  People don’t just slide up next to a doctor and ask them to take care of a few dozen kidney stones.  If they tried, it would be a total disaster.  Jokes/bits in isolation almost always result in the same kind of disaster.  While substitute teaching I’ve had to deal with a lot of this.  I’ve experimented with jokes (the few that are clean and completely non-offensive) over the years with students, teachers, etc.  It’s amazing how only a few out of twenty get them.  Appreciating humor is a type of intelligence just like being able to do math, read well, or even having musical talent.  It’s no wonder they invented laugh tracks for sitcoms, people are dumb.  People who ask you to do a bit aren’t really asking for comedy, they’re actually saying, “Okay, try and make me laugh.”  When this is their attitude, you won’t be able to.

Here are my suggestions of what you can do.  One option is to tell a street joke to appease the morons (or younger people).  I don’t do this because I don’t want them to think that’s what I do for a living, plus I suck at telling these kinds of jokes anyway.  But if you’re okay with it, that’s fine.  The second thing you can do is simply refuse and just tell them when your next show is.  If you have to, lie about when your next show is if you don’t have one, they aren’t coming anyway (make it on a Wednesday night at 11:00 in the bad part of town).  I usually just tell people “I’m off the clock” and to find my show schedule at my website.  If someone who knows you really wants to “hear your stuff” they should have to make an effort.  It’s not like open mics are turning away customers because it’s too crowded there.

As a comic, have some pride.  Keep your act a mystery that only the patrons of your shows get to enjoy in the proper setting.

Finally, I wanted to point out a common misconception about these posts.  These are not excerpts from Dont Wear Shorts on Stage.  Though there are a few similar topics, especially in the older entires, most of these entries are entirely different.  In other words, you’re not going to learn everything I included in the book just from these posts.  This blog is just a sample of my writing and teaching style, so go check the book out on Amazon, or get a signed copy for the same price at my webpage.  You can also look it up on your Kindle, Nook, or through iTunes for the e-book version.  And as always, thank you to anyone who buys, spreads the word about, or reviews my book or blog.

In the twelve years that I’ve been performing, I’ve never received a standing ovation from a crowd.  One time two guys (out of sixty) gave me one at a one-nighter in Belle, Missouri, and another time a couple of comic buddies gave me one at open mic when I had a new joke work very well.  Other than that, not even close.  I’m not going to use the excuse of being the middle act either.  I once saw Tommy Johnagin get a standing ovation during a Tuesday night open mic at the St. Louis Funnybone.  He was around tenth in a lineup of almost twenty comics doing seven minutes of new and strong material (only Tommy). 

So are standing ovations something we should strive for?  If you accidentally watch America’s Got Talent, they cue them and abuse them every third performer.  Though my experience is limited (around 30 shows as a doorman when I was starting out), I’ve never seen a black female headliner not get a standing ovation, and for the record they earned them all.  I witnessed famous headliners like Louie Anderson, Jim Breuer, and Kevin Pollack have average sets but still get standing ovations because of who they were.  I think sometimes the audience just does it to say, “Thanks for taking what couldn’t have possibly been a direct flight from L.A. to our crappy city on a Wednesday to perform for us.”

It’s common that standing ovations only happen after a really strong and unique closing bit.  Many headliners end with props, a poem, a song,  a toast, (a song about Toast), dancing, or something really gimmicky that manages to take a typical performance (by headliner standards) and somehow make it standing ovation worthy.  Getting a crowd to stand up because they’re laughing so hard is really difficult. To make them stand, it has to be funny AND…   In other words, your material has to make a solid point that they can rally around whether it be political, patriotic, or able to dig into some other emotion.

It also depends on the individuals in the crowd.  A lot of people stand up just because others around them are, while some refuse to get sucked into what they believe would be overreacting.  I did a one-nighter with a comic who did five (FIVE!) street jokes during his set.  He ended on one, the organizer who booked him stood up and clapped, and the rest of the lemmings followed.  The thing is, sometimes you don’t really have to make the whole crowd think your set deserves a standing ovation, just one table up front.  The real advice for this week is don’t attach something at the end of your act that will lose respect from the club manager and the other comics just to get a standing ovation.  It doesn’t always result in a rebooking.  There’s a comic out there who has learned this the hard way at a few clubs.  (You either know who I mean or you don’t, I’m not sharing names.)

Upon (bitter) reflection, I’d have to say that 75% of the standing ovations I’ve seen (mostly during my years as an opening emcee) were unwarranted in my opinion.  So I’m going to say it, just like most of the times I’ve seen them given, standing ovations are overrated.  Just stay in your seats you lazy drunken slobs…  Wait, are you standing for me?  Oh, you’re just getting up to use the restroom before the headliner comes on.  Go ahead and tell me, “You was funny as shit!” out in the hallway while you’re checking your voicemail.  That’ll d0.

So even if I never get standing ovations I can still be proud of my act and the places I get to perform.  Should it ever happen though…oh, you’ll know.

Thank you to those purchasing my book on Amazon.com.  Unfortunately, I don’t get to see where all of the orders come from or sign the book, but as I said before, I’m glad word is spreading whether Amazon gets 40% of my royalties or not.

I’ve been fortunate enough to sell a lot of copies of Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage from people putting in a good word about my book to others (thank you!).   Most comics like helping others in whatever way they can though we’re very selective.  The best thing we can do for each other is to help one another get stage time.  Other comics will help you get professional stage time for two main reasons:

1.  Your act is funny and respectable.

2.  You’re a nice person.

It’s much easier to be a nice person, but that usually isn’t enough to earn stage time.  In fact, sometimes people get bigger breaks by being nice looking.  Helping a funny comic get the attention he or she deserves can be hard.  Hell, it’s hard enough to get your friends to listen to a CD you really like.  If this comic you recommend has a bad set, your credibility is blown.  If they’re the least bit hacky, your credibility is blown.  If they have a “trademark bit” that’s stupid, (it might even do really well) your creditability can still be blown.  Pros know this and aren’t always willing to put their credibility at risk.

In my book I describe the most common ways to start working at a new club or one-nighter.  The easiest way is to have another comic talk to the booker for you.  Sometimes you don’t even have to  make a call.  That’s why it’s so important to get along with everyone.  This includes not talking about them (people in the business you don’t like) to others in a negative way.  It’s easy to be baited into gossiping about someone another comic actually might be friends with just to see what you say about him or her.  Often times we like the comic, just not their act.

If it feels like no one is helping you out no matter how nice you are…well, it’s reason #1.  You’re not quite there yet.  I had so many features and headliners put in a good word for me when I was an emcee getting other emcee weeks from ’01-’05.  During the ’05-’07 phase of my career, I finally found my voice and could feature at one-nighters and B-rooms, but none of the headliners I had worked with as an emcee knew that.  It’s taken until the last couple of years for headliners to finally feel confident enough to refer me without risking their credibility.  I understand this completely and looking back I wouldn’t have been confident in referring me either.  You have to be patient, really funny, and then more patient, nice to everyone, even funnier, and then even more patient.

One final warning…if you’re using someone as a reference, be sure they’re actually going to put in a good word for you.  The easy way to be sure is if they offer to be your reference instead of you asking.  (I know this entry dances around a bit, sorry, but that last part is what you should remember most.)  You don’t want bookers contacting someone who is hesitant or has even a bit of doubt in their voice.

Thank you again to everyone who has spread the word about my book and this blog.  I’m a few Amazon orders away from cracking the top 100,000 in sales rankings which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but is to a guy typing away next to a cereal bowl and a pile of laundry on a Monday morning.

This week this blog will hit 10,000 views which I’m pretty happy about. Two weeks ago was the second highest weekly total I’ve ever had. I’d like to thank Eric Yoder as well as The Comic Bible Magazine for sharing my book on their Facebook pages (Eric’s post led to 534 blog hits on a Sunday!). So to everyone who has shared and allowed me to share in your Facebook group, thank you.  Though a few of these entries are common topics, they aren’t taken from my book directly. They’re only here to scratch the surface and give you an example of my writing style.

I’m on vacation, so I thought I’d put a few random things up here this week (I’ll need to figure out a way to post this on Monday).

First, I wanted to thank everyone for spreading the word about this blog.  The shares on Facebook do wonders for the numbers and I’m approaching around 9,000 hits since it began mid-November.  I’ve been “accused” of only writing this blog to promote my book.  Well yes, that’s exactly why I write it.  It’s a common marketing tool for a lot of nonfiction authors…see?  As much as I like helping other comics, performing, and teaching…in the end I’m trying to make money (vacation wasn’t free).  I know not all of my advise agrees with everyone else’s philosophies every week, but it doesn’t cost you anything.

To further promote my book, I’ve sent out a few copies to those who I knew could share it with a wider audience.  Those who’ve mentioned it on podcasts and their sites, thank you.  I really appreciate the endorsements/mentions and the sales that it led to.  (A few others received it, didn’t thank me, nor did they mention it…baffling.  It costs me over $4 just to ship…you’re killin’ me here.)

Switching gears…good luck/congrats to my friends in the St. Louis contest.  Please don’t be resentful towards anyone who finishes better than you.  I’m a competitive person and I used to be in these kinds of contests back in Columbus.  I know how much they mean, but remember that it’s not going to make or break your career, so have fun (stay sober) and let a good placing be a bonus.

And finally, more shameless self promotion.  My first CD is nearly ready.  I just worked on combining some shows for a bigger setlist on it, so hopefully I can release it at least digitally in the next month or so.  I don’t have a title or cover picked out yet.  If anyone would like to help with photography, please let me know.  My brother is far away at work so he can’t take the shots unfortunately.  As far as upcoming shows, I have weeks in Columbia and Chattanooga this July and anything else will be mentioned on my schedule at www.RobDurhamComedy.com and Facebook.

Starting in August, I’ll be a full-time high school English teacher.  I’ll try to keep this blog going, but I have 150 teenage students who need to learn why reading and writing is important and I’ll be paid a lot more than comedy or book sales.  My advice will also be featured in a comedy magazine which releases quarterly (more details on that when it’s officially printed).

So again, thank you for reading and sharing.  It’s always neat to hear that people have heard of my book, especially the headliners who I’ve looked up to for so many years.  To go back and read some reruns you an find the entire list of my topics here.

A few weeks ago I posted about some of the crap you have to take to make it in the comedy business.  I wanted to add another part of that because I practice it as well.  A lot of people may disagree with me about this one, but over the years it’s helped me get a lot of gigs.  In businesses other than comedy, the rules are the same.  Comics who are still fairly young may not have experienced a career/profession yet, so they may have a different set of standards.  If you work at a T.G.I.Fridays and you want to tell your boss off, you may lose your serving job (As Essig said in a bit once) “There’s an Applebee’s across the parking lot that’ll hire you.”  With a professional job you have to tolerate your boss even if you hate him or her and many of the people you work with while getting through your day with a smile.  Comedy must be dealt with in the same way.  There are a lot of dysfunctional people in showbiz, so not everyone is going to be nice.

Here’s the point…you’re going to work with a lot of people whom you don’t like.  Whether it be club managers, headliners, or any other level of comedian on the show.  Keep your feelings to yourself because no matter how you feel about them they may actually help you one day.  Need another reason?  If they find out you have something against them, they might have the means of keeping you from certain stages.  Comics remember who screws them over and will talk about it with each other.  Each week that you work with a certain headliner can be the equivalent of a job interview at that club or at others.  Even comics who are further along in the business need to respect the MC because that MC’s home club might be one they’re trying to get into.  When I first worked the road as an MC, headliners and features treated me very well because they knew I was a doorman at the Columbus Funnybone and that it was my home club.  

In my book, I explain how a headliner who once got me into trouble, later allowed me to get my first week as a feature act at a different club.  Face it, us comics gossip and chat before and after shows, especially when drinking is involved.  You can either gain friends or enemies.  For example, a lot of the older headliners seem to be very passionate about politics.  Instead of getting into an argument, just nod along because you’re not going to change their mind.  Some of them will babble all night, but if you (at least pretend to) listen to them, they’ll consider you a good person and help you down the road (they just want to be heard and agreed with, it’s kinda become their life).

So even if you can’t stand someone involved in your show, it makes sense to still be cordial to them.  One week I couldn’t stand the headliner so much that I paid for a hotel instead of using the free condo.  I lied and told him I was staying with a friend who had a really nice house to avoid conflict.  And yes, I’m well aware there are a handful of comics who don’t like me, but hey, I can be pretty helpful too, so fake it.

For other tips on how to make money in the comedey business order a copy of my book Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage. . .The stand-up Guide to Comedy.

One of the challenges of doing stand-up is performing at venues that aren’t comedy clubs.  Most of us can’t be that choosy with our stage time, especially if it’s going to pay money (or at least free drinks).  What people fail to realize is that a successful show is dependent on more than just the comic.  The crowd takes on a responsibility for the show’s success as well.  If they’re not up for a comedy show, it can fail no matter who’s on stage (and by stage I mean corner of the bar by jukebox).  There are even some instances where you should not take the gig.  I list and describe these types of challenging venues as well as how to make the best of them in Don’t Wear Shorts on Stage.  No one likes to be “high maintenance” but here is a small checklist of things you can ask the venue’s manager to take care of before you perform.

1.  Have the bar televisions and all music turned off.  You’d think this would be a given…nope.

2.  Make sure the only lights on are for the stage.  Dimming the house lights is extremely important.

3.  Have someone (the DJ or bar manager) introduce the first comic onto the stage.  No MC should have to go up and interrupt conversations from the patrons to start a show.

4.  Make sure all audience seats are facing the stage.  You’d be surprised how many backs I’ve performed to…even in the front row.

5.  Ask the manager to regulate hecklers.  They’ve known them since they were kids, and you don’t want to take on an entire room/town of rednecks.

6.  Be sure the staff knows how long the show will run (anything past 90 minutes is pushing it but sometimes they have illusions of three-hour shows).

7.  Get paid in cash.  Checks from Mikey’s Pin Haven don’t always clear.

These are just a few of the guidelines to follow when performing at a place other than a comedy club.  Most of them will be small bars in small towns who don’t exactly understand comedy, but if you can get the room in the ideal condition, these shows can be some of the most fun in your career.  Small-town hillbillies can make you feel like a rock star just as easily.  (Rock star treatment = buying you a pitcher of Busch because they think you like it too and letting you line-dance next to the blonde with 80’s bangs).

If it’s a venue’s first time hosting comedy, expect a few bugs.  The good news is that the longer a venue hosts shows, the better (and easier) they’ll become.  The St. Louis open mic scene has skyrocketed in the last year with shows every night of the week.  (Click on that link and scroll down to evening hours).  Over time, a lot of these rooms have developed regulars which are often the best thing to have at a show.  By the way, if your city doesn’t have an online open mic calendar, get around to making one because strengthening your scene strengthens you and builds your stage time.  Here are other examples… (I’ll add as I get them, please feel free to submit.)

D.C. area comics stay in touch here.

San Francisco Bay Area: http://sfstandup.com

Kansas City area: www.kccomedy.com